stopped?

“A common form of self-injury involves making cuts in the skin of the arms, legs, abdomen, inner thighs, etc. However, the number of self-injury methods are only limited by an individual’s inventiveness and their determination to harm themselves; this includes, but is not limited to compulsive skin picking (dermatillomania), hair pulling (trichotillomania), burning, stabbing, poisoning, alcohol abuse and forms of self harm related to anorexia and bulimia.”

i’ve been thinking.. if this is true, then just by stearing clear of eating glass and cutting i’ve not stoped self-harming.

i constantly pick my skin, cet covered in red bumps which i tell people is a heat rash. i am also completely obsessed with my tweezers, i have been fighting the urge to pick out my hairs from my legs for about 2 hours now. i mean, it can’t be healthy to spend hours and hours every day removing hairs that only you can see.

i drink an obsene amount, safe in the knowledge that i am hurting myself.

i used to undereat, but now i struggle to control myself at all. i eat so much. i’m hating my figure atm. think i’m going to go on a diet.

on a plus note i’ve never stabbed myself!

i hate AA today. i hate DT today. do you think sex with innapropriate people should be added to the self harm list?

just found this photo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dermatillomania_fingers.JPG - i was wondering what was on my knuckle.. its cause i’ve chewed it so much. shhhhiiiitttt. i’m going to go find my tweezers

i feel really really lonely.

I found out what AA did. he hung. he meant it.

also, from what his flatmates said, he was very bipolar(what does very bipolar mean rach? I mean seriously), which explains how he could be so happy the weekend before he died.

his funeral is on friday, i have to find a dress tomorrow. what the fuck do you wear to a 20 year olds funeral?

thanks for the offer, but if i want to talk – i have other friends. oh no, wait.

AA killed himself.
AA.killed.himself.
AA died
AA is dead
i can never talk to AA again
he didnt even let me stop him. his mind was resolute. he told noone.
i feel ripped apart. and like a ghost.
don’t make me eat. don’t make me do anything.

there is no world after this – he’s gone forever, he was alive and now he’s dead and thats it.

i want to take him his skirt and top – the ones he liked, but will probably offend the family “i’m sorry for your loss, ps he wanted to be a girl”

i took his virginity on a night i was angry at JE. the blood stained the wall where my hip rubbed as i moved up and down. i ate glass that night.

but him – he was happy. he’d just had sex with the person he felt closest to at the time. and now he’s gone dead dead dead dead dead gone.

dead dead dead dead dead gone.

like duck duck goose. that game is now ruined.

why didnt he let me stop him. he seemed so happy at the weekend – had he already resolved? was his happiness because he knew he would go?

was it on purpose or a cry for help gone wrong. its pretty resolute to actually do it. i mean – sitting on the ledge and jumping are 2 very different actions. i dont think he jumped though. i dont know how he died. i just want the police to tell us. TELL ME. AA TELL ME. WHY DIDNT YOU LEAVE ME A MESSAGE YOU BASTARD.

MP broke up with him. he cheated on her. he was bad to her, but he was human. no human is inherintly good – we’re all mistakes. thats why we die – if we were perfect we would be forever. its natures way of resetting the balance, allowing things to begin again.

 

MP had an abortion. her ex’s child.  no girl should have to go through this much pain and suffering. it’s cruel.

the boys he lived with bullied him. they didnt want to let him live with them next year. he was going to stay round mine for the rest of term. i should have done more. i didnt know what to do. i said i would go round and beat them up. i should have. now they have guilt beyond their age on their shoulders. guilt beyond anyones age. this will fuck them up.

i’ll hate them if it doesn’t, but its not fair if it does.

i wish our friendship had been less private. not many photos together – you dont take photos of arguments, or nights in, or cuddling in a bed. you dont save texts asking for help in the middle of the night. you can’t record someone knocking on your window at 3am.

i feel like an awful friend.

when i tried (and failed monumentally – see how i’m still ALIVE AND TYPING) he was there to clean me up. to ask how my scars were doing, to cuddle as i cried.

i really didn’t want to die as badly as he did – he managed it. he.stopped.

stopped.

i feel awful for ever hating him. maybe if i kept loving him he wouldn’t have done this. maybe me feeling better meant that he felt worse. i don’t think it was about me though – i think it was MP and the boys and the way that nobody accepted him for who he was.

he’s dead dead g___.

so that didnt work out, but i’m happy!

broke it off with AR  just after my birthday.. wasnt the same. plus i slept with DT, twice. completely obsessed with him.

woke up today to find i’d scratched “normal” into my wrist last night.. better than slag i guess! actually feel so much better atm, like happy with being single and stuff. obviously i would prefer a guy.. but i’m fine on my own.

still can’t stop thinking about cutting though. i’d given up for ages AGES! since the summer! until last night.

AR

tyring to make it work with AR, met up at the weekend – was AMAZING. now i’m freaking out. he got so jealous over photos on fb of me with SA. feel so bad. i would be destraught too. don’t know what to do. feel like SA was in another lifetime.

doesnt even compare, never compared them.

i don’t know if AR will cope.

i’m scared.

i’m going to trust him to try, but i dont think i can trust him yet to actually pull through.

i really want this to work. i loved him so much i would love for it to work. i would love life with him, i just know i would, nobody has ever compared to him, he would be perfect. i just hope he can see it from now on.

i’m going to be so careful with what i say. nothing about exs from now on. dont want to loose him a second time.

nothing about exs

tattoo

i’m gonna get a tattoo, to represent how much i felt greece contributed to me getting better, a turtle, on the last place i tried to cut..

here we go!!

Fading Fast..

not only am i referring to my moral and determination to never harm again (its been around 5 months now!! Scars still very much visable though) …

but i’m referring to myself. I seem to watch life move past through a glass wall. Nobody can hear me, nobody seems to see me. It’s like, now that I’m not expressing myself as visably as I was before, I’ve lost a part of me. The part that seeked attention at all costs and found it.

its weird to be considered just another person. average weight, looks, good grades (but that never won friendship),

I still spend most of my time in bed.

I never want to fall in love again.

I desperately want to fall in love again, i just don’t think i’ll meet anyone who sees  me as more than just another face.

I found this song Thunder, brilliant line, “Your voice was the soundtrack to my summer” – Boys like Girls, made me think so much about how brilliant greece was, and how LONELY i am now.

hey, ho. no point in reaching for the razor blade, not like anyone will be seeing my legs anytime soon.

Loser

The guy i like is so into us being friends that nothing will happen.

The other guy i had my eyes on admitted to a gf, and to not wanting to be with her, before moving on to say that he didnt fancy me.

 

i’m such a looser. nobody wants me. nobody thinks i’m hot. tbh i feel so ugly right now.

whats the point in being popular if nobody thinks your beautiful.

decision

no SA.

then AR started texting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. yes you did.

no AR.

stablization

Went out on a date last night, turned away when he tried to kiss me. Sehr awkward – what was worse was he then decided to keep texting me telling me how sad he was i ddint feel the same, and he relly thought we had something blah blah blah. but i just felt numb.

i can still vividly remember how much i wanted SA to like me, i would have done anythihng for that first kiss. i just knew when i first saw him that we would be good together. but hes so far away.

 

So… i’m trying to stablize… trying to cut out shit like boys and getting off my face and hurting. ive been doing really well – i definitely think i’ve learnt how to drink in moderation. I’m BEYOND PROUD of that!! I dont think about my scars anymore, like i said before…

 how do i always get guys falling for me. i dont know what i do. i’m not THAT hot. i’m not sleeping with them. and i never like them as much back.

… i think i would get a lot of regular custom if i worked the streets.

 

Once i got home from the datedisaster SA text me. telling me he misses me and he thinks we made the wrong descision to break up. 1/2 hour of sad phonecall later i’m still not sure about anything at all. he’s so amazing when he’s close, but when he’s away i find it so much easier to be alone, to think of myself as alone.

SO – do i stabilize by being with the guy i’ve got such a connection with. or do i stabilize by cutting him off, and still feeling ridiculously frigid most of the time.

 

Jesus, at 16 i nver ever thought i’d be afraid of sex.

FUCK AR FUCK HIM THE BASTARD PRICK AND THE OTHERS FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW LOW I WAS.