stablization

Went out on a date last night, turned away when he tried to kiss me. Sehr awkward – what was worse was he then decided to keep texting me telling me how sad he was i ddint feel the same, and he relly thought we had something blah blah blah. but i just felt numb.

i can still vividly remember how much i wanted SA to like me, i would have done anything for that first kiss. i just knew when i first saw him that we would be good together. but hes so far away.

 

So… i’m trying to stablize… trying to cut out shit like boys and getting off my face and hurting. ive been doing really well – i definitely think i’ve learnt how to drink in moderation. I’m BEYOND PROUD of that!! I dont think about my scars anymore, like i said before…

 how do i always get guys falling for me. i dont know what i do. i’m not THAT hot. i’m not sleeping with them. and i never like them as much back.

… i think i would get a lot of regular custom if i worked the streets.

 

Once i got home from the datedisaster SA text me. telling me he misses me and he thinks we made the wrong descision to break up. 1/2 hour of sad phonecall later i’m still not sure about anything at all. he’s so amazing when he’s close, but when he’s away i find it so much easier to be alone, to think of myself as alone.

SO – do i stabilize by being with the guy i’ve got such a connection with. or do i stabilize by cutting him off, and still feeling ridiculously frigid most of the time.

 

Jesus, at 16 i never ever thought i’d be afraid of sex.

FUCK AR FUCK HIM THE BASTARD PRICK AND THE OTHERS FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW LOW I WAS.

~ by chinaface on November 1, 2008.