thanks for the offer, but if i want to talk – i have other friends. oh no, wait.

AA killed himself.
AA.killed.himself.
AA died
AA is dead
i can never talk to AA again
he didnt even let me stop him. his mind was resolute. he told noone.
i feel ripped apart. and like a ghost.
don’t make me eat. don’t make me do anything.

there is no world after this – he’s gone forever, he was alive and now he’s dead and thats it.

i want to take him his skirt and top – the ones he liked, but will probably offend the family “i’m sorry for your loss, ps he wanted to be a girl”

i took his virginity on a night i was angry at JE. the blood stained the wall where my hip rubbed as i moved up and down. i ate glass that night.

but him – he was happy. he’d just had sex with the person he felt closest to at the time. and now he’s gone dead dead dead dead dead gone.

dead dead dead dead dead gone.

like duck duck goose. that game is now ruined.

why didnt he let me stop him. he seemed so happy at the weekend – had he already resolved? was his happiness because he knew he would go?

was it on purpose or a cry for help gone wrong. its pretty resolute to actually do it. i mean – sitting on the ledge and jumping are 2 very different actions. i dont think he jumped though. i dont know how he died. i just want the police to tell us. TELL ME. AA TELL ME. WHY DIDNT YOU LEAVE ME A MESSAGE YOU BASTARD.

MP broke up with him. he cheated on her. he was bad to her, but he was human. no human is inherintly good – we’re all mistakes. thats why we die – if we were perfect we would be forever. its natures way of resetting the balance, allowing things to begin again.

 

MP had an abortion. her ex’s child.  no girl should have to go through this much pain and suffering. it’s cruel.

the boys he lived with bullied him. they didnt want to let him live with them next year. he was going to stay round mine for the rest of term. i should have done more. i didnt know what to do. i said i would go round and beat them up. i should have. now they have guilt beyond their age on their shoulders. guilt beyond anyones age. this will fuck them up.

i’ll hate them if it doesn’t, but its not fair if it does.

i wish our friendship had been less private. not many photos together – you dont take photos of arguments, or nights in, or cuddling in a bed. you dont save texts asking for help in the middle of the night. you can’t record someone knocking on your window at 3am.

i feel like an awful friend.

when i tried (and failed monumentally – see how i’m still ALIVE AND TYPING) he was there to clean me up. to ask how my scars were doing, to cuddle as i cried.

i really didn’t want to die as badly as he did – he managed it. he.stopped.

stopped.

i feel awful for ever hating him. maybe if i kept loving him he wouldn’t have done this. maybe me feeling better meant that he felt worse. i don’t think it was about me though – i think it was MP and the boys and the way that nobody accepted him for who he was.

he’s dead dead g___.

~ by chinaface on May 27, 2009.