BPD?

After AA’s death I started a frantic search of possible reasons why anyone would go that far with a suicide attempt. As mentioned before, I’ve tried to slit my wrists before, but only when too drunk to succeed. I’ve also spent a night sitting on an overpass waiting for the right moment to jump. But I didn’t actually do it.

Anyway, one of the things that I felt really described him was the symptoms for borderline personality disorder. Alarmingly, many of the symptoms echoed in my own way of thinking. Could it be that the symptoms are just incredibly vague to the untrained eye, or is there a chance that I could finally get diagnosed with something. I don’t know why, but it would just help me so much to get some closure on why I feel and act the way I do. I just want to know that other people have felt the same way I do.

I get these incredible painful attacks of emotion. I’ll be sitting on the train and then suddenly I feel like my world has collapsed, that I’ve ruined everything and that nobody cares for me. Or I’ll feel that I just want to punch everyone. The adrenaline in the anger attacks is very difficult to control. I have to blank out the world entirely, if I let it go, I would definitely do something illegal.

I also get these incredible highs, when I think that something somebody has said, or something they’ve done, proves they love me. That soon dissapates, and as soon as they do something less than mind-reading, I hate them. I litterally can’t stand them. If they are a partner, I’ll cheat on them. If they are a friend, I’ll turn others against them.

Also, if someone is nice and compliments me, I’ll get this incredible ego for a bit. I’ll think I’m incredible. And then at other times I’ll have no idea what I am good at or why anyone would like me. Sometimes I think I’m the joker, and sometimes I think people can’t stand me for wingeing.  

I do ridiuclously stupid things on impulse – self harm, drinking too much, sleeping with men I don’t want to.

I never want to lose anyone. That’s my worst fear, is that I’ll upset someone, or anger someone.

And the worst thing is the attacks, they never last, and I never know when they’ll come. So I’ll be fine all day, and then lull into painful anger for twenty minutes. Or I can have a half day of emptyness, and then as soon as I see others, it goes away.

I know this one sounds stupid, but I binge eat like crazy too. Today I had 2 cooked meals, 2 cereal bowls, sandwhiches and about 10 snacks. But then sometimes I’ll eat just once a day. Again, it just depends on how I feel at the time.

I’m going to write some stuff that I never told anyone before too. Only AA knew some of these even. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely invisable, like so empty I’m not even here. Sometimes I feel like I am/or want to be a guy. That’s rare, but it does happen. I don’t really want to go into it right now. Then  I realise there is no point in even entertaining the thought, so I stop. I get really really scared and frigid during sex. Then I just carry on till the guy is satisfied, and I feel relieved once they are asleap. The only way I really come with a guy in the room is by imagining they are forcing me to, like seriously fantising about rape. It’s terrible and leaves me feeling like shit. I’m a lot better on my own.

Please don’t judge me for anything in that last paragraph, I just had to write it down somewhere.

Oh, I don’t know. I don’t even know if other people do the stuff I’ve written above or not. Is that how normal people think? Am I just normal and a cry-baby?

Here’s a list of the BPD symptoms:

People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:⁴

• Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
• Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
• Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
• Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
• Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
• Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
• Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
• Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
• Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

Not everyone who has five or more of these symptoms is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. For a person to be diagnosed with any personality disorder, the symptoms must be severe and must go on long enough to cause significant emotional distress or problems functioning in relationships or at work.⁴

Sound like me? I’m definitely going back to the counsellers at uni, for grief counselling about AA. I might mention some of the symptoms I’ve never talked about with them before. I never knew that they were a problem.

~ by chinaface on August 21, 2009.