so that didnt work out, but i’m happy!

broke it off with AR  just after my birthday.. wasnt the same. plus i slept with DT, twice. completely obsessed with him.

woke up today to find i’d scratched “normal” into my wrist last night.. better than slag i guess! actually feel so much better atm, like happy with being single and stuff. obviously i would prefer a guy.. but i’m fine on my own.

still can’t stop thinking about cutting though. i’d given up for ages AGES! since the summer! until last night.

AR

tyring to make it work with AR, met up at the weekend – was AMAZING. now i’m freaking out. he got so jealous over photos on fb of me with SA. feel so bad. i would be destraught too. don’t know what to do. feel like SA was in another lifetime.

doesnt even compare, never compared them.

i don’t know if AR will cope.

i’m scared.

i’m going to trust him to try, but i dont think i can trust him yet to actually pull through.

i really want this to work. i loved him so much i would love for it to work. i would love life with him, i just know i would, nobody has ever compared to him, he would be perfect. i just hope he can see it from now on.

i’m going to be so careful with what i say. nothing about exs from now on. dont want to loose him a second time.

nothing about exs

tattoo

i’m gonna get a tattoo, to represent how much i felt greece contributed to me getting better, a turtle, on the last place i tried to cut..

here we go!!

Fading Fast..

not only am i referring to my moral and determination to never harm again (its been around 5 months now!! Scars still very much visable though) …

but i’m referring to myself. I seem to watch life move past through a glass wall. Nobody can hear me, nobody seems to see me. It’s like, now that I’m not expressing myself as visably as I was before, I’ve lost a part of me. The part that seeked attention at all costs and found it.

its weird to be considered just another person. average weight, looks, good grades (but that never won friendship),

I still spend most of my time in bed.

I never want to fall in love again.

I desperately want to fall in love again, i just don’t think i’ll meet anyone who sees  me as more than just another face.

I found this song Thunder, brilliant line, “Your voice was the soundtrack to my summer” – Boys like Girls, made me think so much about how brilliant greece was, and how LONELY i am now.

hey, ho. no point in reaching for the razor blade, not like anyone will be seeing my legs anytime soon.

Loser

The guy i like is so into us being friends that nothing will happen.

The other guy i had my eyes on admitted to a gf, and to not wanting to be with her, before moving on to say that he didnt fancy me.

 

i’m such a looser. nobody wants me. nobody thinks i’m hot. tbh i feel so ugly right now.

whats the point in being popular if nobody thinks your beautiful.

decision

no SA.

then AR started texting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. yes you did.

no AR.

stablization

Went out on a date last night, turned away when he tried to kiss me. Sehr awkward – what was worse was he then decided to keep texting me telling me how sad he was i ddint feel the same, and he relly thought we had something blah blah blah. but i just felt numb.

i can still vividly remember how much i wanted SA to like me, i would have done anything for that first kiss. i just knew when i first saw him that we would be good together. but hes so far away.

 

So… i’m trying to stablize… trying to cut out shit like boys and getting off my face and hurting. ive been doing really well – i definitely think i’ve learnt how to drink in moderation. I’m BEYOND PROUD of that!! I dont think about my scars anymore, like i said before…

 how do i always get guys falling for me. i dont know what i do. i’m not THAT hot. i’m not sleeping with them. and i never like them as much back.

… i think i would get a lot of regular custom if i worked the streets.

 

Once i got home from the datedisaster SA text me. telling me he misses me and he thinks we made the wrong descision to break up. 1/2 hour of sad phonecall later i’m still not sure about anything at all. he’s so amazing when he’s close, but when he’s away i find it so much easier to be alone, to think of myself as alone.

SO – do i stabilize by being with the guy i’ve got such a connection with. or do i stabilize by cutting him off, and still feeling ridiculously frigid most of the time.

 

Jesus, at 16 i never ever thought i’d be afraid of sex.

FUCK AR FUCK HIM THE BASTARD PRICK AND THE OTHERS FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW LOW I WAS.

refusal

jesus i’m struggling.

LD is really getting me down by chipping away at my confidence. he has no idea how unassured i am. he doesnt see what it does, he cant understand that it hurts. he’s going away for a week tomoro, and i’m so glad. i dont know how much longer i can go on like this.

 

i fucking miss SA so so much. he was my rock. he was there for me always, and i threw it away. in the words of coldplay “you were an island and i passed you by, you were an island to discover”.

i couldnt cope with the distance. i wanted to fall asleep with him every night, and how could i  – with him in cambridge, and it got me down.

i’m so glad i have this blog to type it all down in.

THIS IS MY REFUSAL TO TAKE OUT PAIN ON MYSELF.,, god i dont want to do this. i want to just fuck it and bleed.

i learnt how to cry – isnt that good! and i learnt that i’m better off without sex than with a partner who gets me down, or a one night stand.

i really dont give a shit about not wearing tights now- want to kick up a fuss? well you can fuck off!!!

 

but i really want to cut. i really really want to cut. i love not thinking about it, but when i do its really strong.

 

anyways thats me for now!!!

Memories..

 Does Depth reflect pain…Or should we count?

 No particular order here folks.. just need to get out some memories, and want somewhere to write down the rest of the poems I wrote about harming myself.

• Freaking out on the phone to SA, that was today, about having to wear clothes someone else picked out for me, in case they showed.

• How can you touch me,

  Hand clasped to mine?

Blood brother

 

Trickling from me,

Fall on the gravel,

Or Seep into cloth

 

Both reckless and fearless

“Find me”

I stumble

• First cut, so innocently, telling everyone what it was, they didn’t believe me, or didn’t hear, or thought it was pathetic. It must have been, to be honest, “i cut myself when i was shaving… on purpose”

• Screaming at that drunk lady above the underpass, wanting to jump.

• Screaming.

• Doing the recycling, smashing glass

• H13 bus, going home, one cut per person. bastards.

• Deciding on the badge while showering. Deciding and doing it in cold blood.

• The oceana toilets – smearing the door to make someone cry.

• Watching blood drip onto the floor of the ice room.

• Attacking JE.

• The bouncer trying to get me out the snobs toilets when i was smashing glass.

• Crying in the barracuda toilets during freshers

• Q club, sitting on the shelves. Just crying.

• The dream. The fantisy of smashing plates at dinner.

• Telling my teacher – being told the counseller didn’t have the time.

• 150 sit ups a day

• When i used to hold my arm down on top of the kettle as it boiled.

• When i knelt on my straighteners at AM’s. How good it felt.

• Later that night when his mate told me my arm looked like someone who cut themselves, and how pathetic that was.

•  Writing the letter to my parents telling them i was sick in the head when i was little.

• Telling my mum at GNC from the front of the stage.

• Crying over the cycle poster in the prayer room.

• Screaming in the field.

• BoobyJ and L finding me in the carpark.

• DTT telling me that even PTT has swinged at her.

• Crying to SS.

• Hiding in front of Parents

• Panic Attacks

• The month i had off of school for stress

• FInding out cousin ES lived in the mental home for a while.

• Uncle S sitting outside our house in his car.

• Anxiety Workshop.

• Linnea.

• Linnea.

• Release,

  Trickle,

  Tingle,

   

  Pain subside,

  Numbness,

  Arise.

• A refresher bar was 10 points. Points got punishment.

• The night at Area. Cutting because i couldn’t get served. The scars now on the back of my arm are because I couldn’t get served.

• BH – “are you hurt? is that.. blood?”

• Mum – “what did you do?… Oh, scratches, yes I knew you wouldn’t have done anything silly”

• WANTING TO SCREAM AT MUM

• Watching Dad sort out his papers after he was told for the first time.

• Hating mum for not telling him.

• The kitchen dish towel. Stuck to my leg.

• My trousers stuck to my leg.

• When I was 16, over 100 cuts on my legs, deep too, because AR said he wanted to “wait for someone special” and I missunderstood him.

• Crying to HP on the ledge at school.

• Counseller lady from SS who I used to go for coffee with.

• Red cloth

  Cling to me

  Stick to me

  Stick on me

   

  Hold me together

  And pull me apart

   

  Spill out of me

  Red cloth

  And show me my face

  Tell me my secrets

  Make my heart race

   

  Liquid then solid

  You know me

  Red cloth

  You are me

  Run-off

   

   

   

   

   

•  Dad’s reaction to the word counseller, at the pub as if he didn’t know, again.    

• Finally collapsing in tears at christmas 2007, mum taking me to doctors.
• Collapsing in tears at christmas 2005, mum hiding in the office.
• spending every day in bed during glandular fever.
• spending every day in bed after glandular fever.
• the anna’s telling me the NHS thought i needed more permenant help. Freaking out and telling them maybe.
• Morgan telling me i looked good… because he thought i was depressed.
• following the spill with the razor.
• drawing them in the school in greece
• scotland. wow. “sort your life out”x3. walking home alone, DC & AD waking me up because they were so scared with my wrist all covered.
• branding myself with names on my hips at 16.
• LDso angry at me after the underpass night. Made him almost fail his exam. My fault
• thanking SA for not saying anything.
• constant battle between wanting people to know but not wanting them to say anything.
• pushing more and more girls out the group.
• getting HP started.
• finding out DTT did too.
• finding out SISTER did too.
• sister’s discust at the underpass night.
• SS’s support on the underpass night.
• the guys who helped me back to the pavement – mugging two girls.
• watching fast trains go past.
• LD reaction to my arm after easter. The flitting eyes. The running out the room.

 

 

 

 

to be continued…

Does depth reflect pain? Or should we count?

Cracking, but damn it feels good.

My china face is cracking,

Watch me crumble.

 

 

 

 

I just found this… it’s from May/June. I think it was just when I started to show all my scars. Jesus the looks people gave me, the pain I could see when they realised what they were looking at, the confusion when they didn’t.