So… on with the venting already

i feel blurry. i can’t concentrate anymore. you know when you can’t sleep, you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t resolve the issue.

I’m gonna attach pictures of my scars here. i want to work out how. i can’t stop looking, and i havent cut in months. in greece i didnt cut, well i did once but it was tiny and i started throwing rocks after, so a massive improvement.

i dont think i punched anyone. no, wait, i think i may have. i dont know, thats the point – i drink too much to the point where i wouldnt have a clue. I probably bit my sister. I think I do it to tell her something is wrong, but it just comes out as a bite.

met a boyfriend. a good one. an independant one who will be there when i need him, and can admit to needing him, but who doesnt want me to need him, who just wants to fall in. =0) so thats good.

i cant sleep. i comm..

********************

AHAHAHAHAHA! I’m so happy! SA rang me cause earlier i text him saying how much i was struggling, and he made me feel so much better. just being able to ask him to stay on the phone was incredible. he’s so good for me! i dont want to do anything written above now!

*********************

Ps: seeing as i probably did hit someone, freaked out at tagged photos of me where you could see, and genuinly hide from my parents, i think i failed on all three goals. BUT – i was happier with myself out there, and i’m slowly growing to accept myself and deal with my feelings in a more positive way.

 ******************

=0) so happy so so happy

 ************************************

quickly being deflated. going to stop writing now!

Panic!

  

Rachel says:

 

 

 

shit shit i cant find my blog

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

shit

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

yeah it is

 

 

 

 

AA says:

 

 

 

what?

 

 

 

 

AA says:

 

 

 

im confused

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

fuck

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

i started writing

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

to help me vent stuff

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

it was starting to work

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

and then i went to greece

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

everything was like a big perfect blur

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

and now i’m back and struggling

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

and i need to write

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

and i cant find it

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

i found it

 

 

 

 

Rachel says:

 

 

 

thank non-exsistant god

 

 

 

 

Sex, Tension, Goals

Spent the weekend with this guy from australia who i didnt really like that much, and we clearly have no future cause of the whole never-going-to-see-him-again thing. He hugged a lot which was good, but really awful at the whole sex thing. Small price to pay to not be at home. The tension is insane – i can’t even talk to my parents now. I freak everytime they try and start, i freeze if they try to hug me. I don’t know why.

I have scars on my wrist from the past 3 times i’ve got suicidal (only get suicidal when v v drunk so never able to commit to it as well as could be hoped – lack of coordination and all that). My mum asked me what they were, and when i said nothing, she was just like “oh i knew you wouldn’t have done anything silly” (SILLY?) “just scratches then” – “yeah, hahaha” when they are still there when i get back from greece she may realise. I can’t bring myself to say anything. I dont know what i’d expect them to do even if they did get it into their heads.

I’ve tried to tell them. Since I started I’ve always tried to tell them. It worries me that the word “counseller” still confuses them. It doesn’t help me accept, and it doesn’t help me communicate, because they don’t hear me.

Never mind.

Ok, Goals:

1. Let a photo that shows some/a scar be put up on facebook.

2. Not drink enough to hit anyone during Greece, if I do, I want to be able to apologise and explain the situation.

3. Possibly tell parents when i get home so that its normalised and its ok to wear shorts in the house!

The strength to say no

Not the answer

Ivy to brick,

I cling to you.

 

Fly to a window,

I dart towards you.

 

My host, you pain me.

 

 

When you want someone who not only doesn’t want you, but also is confused as to his sexuality, and his sex, it is hard.

 

Whenever I try to kill myself, it is AA I turn to. He helps me home when bouncers kick me out of clubs. He sees when I’m dripping blood on the carpet. And I think this is because he accepts it, and he makes me feel like I need him. He’s a dirty dirty person who makes me feel like i need him. He wants me to do it because, in a way, it means he’s fine, he’s normal. He can cope with himself as long as KJ and MP and I are fucked up.

 

I am the only person who has seen him cross dressing. I find this a massive burden. I think I would be fine with it if he wasn’t the guy I want in my bed. Stupidly enough, the only reason you wanted him in your bed is because he would look at you and see you as an upset person. Everyone else forgets, always forgetting. It’s all you can think about, and it’s all he can think about. You liked that.

 

I don’t have anything against gay guys; and I don’t have anything against people who want to express themselves fully. But whenever AA realises that we would work, he ends up in a skirt. It’s not that I want a man, per say, it’s just I don’t want someone who is so damn confused. We would have never worked. Get real. You never wanted it to work either, really. He never wanted you, and you didnt really want him, you just wanted someone to see. And, just in the same way you needed him, he needed you to need him. And that’s all it was. You saw that your flatmates rang the nhs, you saw that boobyj and l helped you home. you saw how JB took it, he remembered, and he never even saw it. then when he did see it, he always made the effort to make you feel beautiful.because he’s an amazing friend. that’s what you want, thats what you need.

 

Maybe if his name didn’t begin with an A it would be easier – he wouldn’t be at the top of my phone list. ahahaha – i dont even see his name in the list anymore.

 

 

He says some of the most painful things. He is desperately trying to sleep with MP. Who I hate. Goddam bitch – what does she have that I don’t?

 

A challenge. No Rachel – what did she have? She was more fucked up than you! Hahaha – how simple, how blissfully simple.

 

I want to hate him, but I find it so difficult. Easy now, goddamn bastard trying it on with you again and again. Trying to cheat on his gf. Saying he was going to just cuddle you and then not stopping trying it on til you gave in. Sick sick boy. “You belong in my bed…” – fuck off. I choose no.

 

Black was June 17 2008, Purple September 02 2008.

An inability to communicate

 

Burnt now you see me,

Scarred now you see me.

 

An inability to communicate.

I am mute,

Do you hear me?

 

This is the beginnings of me working out who I am and why I do what I do. My horrible counsellor keeps telling me to try and write things down.

I doubt anyone will actually read this, but i desperately need to find a way of learning how to deal with expressing myself.

I am truly horrendous at putting feelings into words.

Therefore I am now covered in scars. I also hit and bite people a lot. ahaha, I’ve just looked at my shitty sentences – I sound ridiculous, thank god for spellcheck.

 

 

I’m 20 and I’ve been self harming since I was 11.