broke it off with AR  just after my birthday.. wasnt the same. plus i slept with DT, twice. completely obsessed with him.

woke up today to find i’d scratched “normal” into my wrist last night.. better than slag i guess! actually feel so much better atm, like happy with being single and stuff. obviously i would prefer a guy.. but i’m fine on my own.

still can’t stop thinking about cutting though. i’d given up for ages AGES! since the summer! until last night.

tyring to make it work with AR, met up at the weekend – was AMAZING. now i’m freaking out. he got so jealous over photos on fb of me with SA. feel so bad. i would be destraught too. don’t know what to do. feel like SA was in another lifetime.

doesnt even compare, never compared them.

i don’t know if AR will cope.

i’m scared.

i’m going to trust him to try, but i dont think i can trust him yet to actually pull through.

i really want this to work. i loved him so much i would love for it to work. i would love life with him, i just know i would, nobody has ever compared to him, he would be perfect. i just hope he can see it from now on.

i’m going to be so careful with what i say. nothing about exs from now on. dont want to loose him a second time.

nothing about exs

The guy i like is so into us being friends that nothing will happen.

The other guy i had my eyes on admitted to a gf, and to not wanting to be with her, before moving on to say that he didnt fancy me.

i’m such a looser. nobody wants me. nobody thinks i’m hot. tbh i feel so ugly right now.

whats the point in being popular if nobody thinks your beautiful.

no SA.

then AR started texting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. yes you did.

no AR.

How beautiful to be a web.

How criminal are the eight legged.

How powerless are the immobile.

Instead of flying towards him, i have broken free. FUCK OFF.

First we had JE - i have finally turned him down for myself, not because other people told me to or because i was seeing someone else, but for myself. Night of the ball was beautiful, flirt others until he gets jealous enough to want me, then watch him beg for me until i tell him that “i wish you hadn’t have been a cunt, but you were, so fuck off please”. i think he got the picture.

Then AA. I was planning on being really manipulative and breaking him and MP up. i don’t know why – jealousy i think. I should be the most important. I think for some bizarre reason i wanted to break them up so he could realise he wanted to be with me. We were going to see each other last night, and i waited all day for him, but he had already decided to have MP stay over, and forgot to tell me, nay – didn’t think to tell me.

He wanted to see me today so he didnt feel guilty while i was away in greece, you know what, he can feel guilty if he actually feels it – at least that way he’ll finally get a piece of what he deserves. I deserve better, and in the words of cool runnings, when i look in the mirror -

“I see pride, I see power, I see a badass mother who doesn’t take no crap off anybody”

I will not let him use his dirty words to reel me back in. JE did that too. They promise you the world but don’t mean a bit of it.

I will meet someone nice who takes me out on dates, who wants to see me when they wake up, and wants me to be happy for me. I will wait for someone who doesnt see me as a “project” or a “game”.

Why? Because im fed up of it, and going to greece for a month gives me the break from them that i need to begin moving on.

Most importantly folks – I’m NOT NOT going to let him become a scar. no no no. he doesnt deserve it.