i feel blurry. i can’t concentrate anymore. you know when you can’t sleep, you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t resolve the issue.

I’m gonna attach pictures of my scars here. i want to work out how. i can’t stop looking, and i havent cut in months. in greece i didnt cut, well i did once but it was tiny and i started throwing rocks after, so a massive improvement.

i dont think i punched anyone. no, wait, i think i may have. i dont know, thats the point – i drink too much to the point where i wouldnt have a clue. I probably bit my sister. I think I do it to tell her something is wrong, but it just comes out as a bite.

met a boyfriend. a good one. an independant one who will be there when i need him, and can admit to needing him, but who doesnt want me to need him, who just wants to fall in. =0) so thats good.

i cant sleep. i comm..

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AHAHAHAHAHA! I’m so happy! SA rang me cause earlier i text him saying how much i was struggling, and he made me feel so much better. just being able to ask him to stay on the phone was incredible. he’s so good for me! i dont want to do anything written above now!

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Ps: seeing as i probably did hit someone, freaked out at tagged photos of me where you could see, and genuinly hide from my parents, i think i failed on all three goals. BUT – i was happier with myself out there, and i’m slowly growing to accept myself and deal with my feelings in a more positive way.

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=0) so happy so so happy

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quickly being deflated. going to stop writing now!

Spent the weekend with this guy from australia who i didnt really like that much, and we clearly have no future cause of the whole never-going-to-see-him-again thing. He hugged a lot which was good, but really awful at the whole sex thing. Small price to pay to not be at home. The tension is insane – i can’t even talk to my parents now. I freak everytime they try and start, i freeze if they try to hug me. I don’t know why.

I have scars on my wrist from the past 3 times i’ve got suicidal (only get suicidal when v v drunk so never able to commit to it as well as could be hoped – lack of coordination and all that). My mum asked me what they were, and when i said nothing, she was just like “oh i knew you wouldn’t have done anything silly” (SILLY?) “just scratches then” – “yeah, hahaha” when they are still there when i get back from greece she may realise. I can’t bring myself to say anything. I dont know what i’d expect them to do even if they did get it into their heads.

I’ve tried to tell them. Since I started I’ve always tried to tell them. It worries me that the word “counseller” still confuses them. It doesn’t help me accept, and it doesn’t help me communicate, because they don’t hear me.

Never mind.

Ok, Goals:

1. Let a photo that shows some/a scar be put up on facebook.

2. Not drink enough to hit anyone during Greece, if I do, I want to be able to apologise and explain the situation.

3. Possibly tell parents when i get home so that its normalised and its ok to wear shorts in the house!