Ivy to brick,

I cling to you.

Fly to a window,

I dart towards you.

My host, you pain me.

When you want someone who not only doesn’t want you, but also is confused as to his sexuality, and his sex, it is hard.

Whenever I try to kill myself, it is AA I turn to. He helps me home when bouncers kick me out of clubs. He sees when I’m dripping blood on the carpet. And I think this is because he accepts it, and he makes me feel like I need him. He’s a dirty dirty person who makes me feel like i need him. He wants me to do it because, in a way, it means he’s fine, he’s normal. He can cope with himself as long as KJ and MP and I are fucked up.

I am the only person who has seen him cross dressing. I find this a massive burden. I think I would be fine with it if he wasn’t the guy I want in my bed. Stupidly enough, the only reason you wanted him in your bed is because he would look at you and see you as an upset person. Everyone else forgets, always forgetting. It’s all you can think about, and it’s all he can think about. You liked that.

I don’t have anything against gay guys; and I don’t have anything against people who want to express themselves fully. But whenever AA realises that we would work, he ends up in a skirt. It’s not that I want a man, per say, it’s just I don’t want someone who is so damn confused. We would have never worked. Get real. You never wanted it to work either, really. He never wanted you, and you didnt really want him, you just wanted someone to see. And, just in the same way you needed him, he needed you to need him. And that’s all it was. You saw that your flatmates rang the nhs, you saw that boobyj and l helped you home. you saw how JB took it, he remembered, and he never even saw it. then when he did see it, he always made the effort to make you feel beautiful.because he’s an amazing friend. that’s what you want, thats what you need.

Maybe if his name didn’t begin with an A it would be easier – he wouldn’t be at the top of my phone list. ahahaha – i dont even see his name in the list anymore.

He says some of the most painful things. He is desperately trying to sleep with MP. Who I hate. Goddam bitch – what does she have that I don’t?

A challenge. No Rachel – what did she have? She was more fucked up than you! Hahaha – how simple, how blissfully simple.

I want to hate him, but I find it so difficult. Easy now, goddamn bastard trying it on with you again and again. Trying to cheat on his gf. Saying he was going to just cuddle you and then not stopping trying it on til you gave in. Sick sick boy. “You belong in my bed…” – fuck off. I choose no.

Black was June 17 2008, Purple September 02 2008.