no SA.

then AR started texting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. yes you did.

no AR.

Went out on a date last night, turned away when he tried to kiss me. Sehr awkward – what was worse was he then decided to keep texting me telling me how sad he was i ddint feel the same, and he relly thought we had something blah blah blah. but i just felt numb.

i can still vividly remember how much i wanted SA to like me, i would have done anything for that first kiss. i just knew when i first saw him that we would be good together. but hes so far away.

So… i’m trying to stablize… trying to cut out shit like boys and getting off my face and hurting. ive been doing really well – i definitely think i’ve learnt how to drink in moderation. I’m BEYOND PROUD of that!! I dont think about my scars anymore, like i said before…

 how do i always get guys falling for me. i dont know what i do. i’m not THAT hot. i’m not sleeping with them. and i never like them as much back.

… i think i would get a lot of regular custom if i worked the streets.

Once i got home from the datedisaster SA text me. telling me he misses me and he thinks we made the wrong descision to break up. 1/2 hour of sad phonecall later i’m still not sure about anything at all. he’s so amazing when he’s close, but when he’s away i find it so much easier to be alone, to think of myself as alone.

SO – do i stabilize by being with the guy i’ve got such a connection with. or do i stabilize by cutting him off, and still feeling ridiculously frigid most of the time.

Jesus, at 16 i never ever thought i’d be afraid of sex.

FUCK AR FUCK HIM THE BASTARD PRICK AND THE OTHERS FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW LOW I WAS.

jesus i’m struggling.

LD is really getting me down by chipping away at my confidence. he has no idea how unassured i am. he doesnt see what it does, he cant understand that it hurts. he’s going away for a week tomoro, and i’m so glad. i dont know how much longer i can go on like this.

i fucking miss SA so so much. he was my rock. he was there for me always, and i threw it away. in the words of coldplay “you were an island and i passed you by, you were an island to discover”.

i couldnt cope with the distance. i wanted to fall asleep with him every night, and how could i  – with him in cambridge, and it got me down.

i’m so glad i have this blog to type it all down in.

THIS IS MY REFUSAL TO TAKE OUT PAIN ON MYSELF.,, god i dont want to do this. i want to just fuck it and bleed.

i learnt how to cry – isnt that good! and i learnt that i’m better off without sex than with a partner who gets me down, or a one night stand.

i really dont give a shit about not wearing tights now- want to kick up a fuss? well you can fuck off!!!

but i really want to cut. i really really want to cut. i love not thinking about it, but when i do its really strong.

anyways thats me for now!!!