No particular order here folks.. just need to get out some memories, and want somewhere to write down the rest of the poems I wrote about harming myself.

• Freaking out on the phone to SA, that was today, about having to wear clothes someone else picked out for me, in case they showed.

• How can you touch me,

  Hand clasped to mine?

Blood brother

Trickling from me,

Fall on the gravel,

Or Seep into cloth

Both reckless and fearless

“Find me”

I stumble

• First cut, so innocently, telling everyone what it was, they didn’t believe me, or didn’t hear, or thought it was pathetic. It must have been, to be honest, “i cut myself when i was shaving… on purpose”

• Screaming at that drunk lady above the underpass, wanting to jump.

• Screaming.

• Doing the recycling, smashing glass

• H13 bus, going home, one cut per person. bastards.

• Deciding on the badge while showering. Deciding and doing it in cold blood.

• The oceana toilets – smearing the door to make someone cry.

• Watching blood drip onto the floor of the ice room.

• Attacking JE.

• The bouncer trying to get me out the snobs toilets when i was smashing glass.

• Crying in the barracuda toilets during freshers

• Q club, sitting on the shelves. Just crying.

• The dream. The fantisy of smashing plates at dinner.

• Telling my teacher – being told the counseller didn’t have the time.

• 150 sit ups a day

• When i used to hold my arm down on top of the kettle as it boiled.

• When i knelt on my straighteners at AM’s. How good it felt.

• Later that night when his mate told me my arm looked like someone who cut themselves, and how pathetic that was.

•  Writing the letter to my parents telling them i was sick in the head when i was little.

• Telling my mum at GNC from the front of the stage.

• Crying over the cycle poster in the prayer room.

• Screaming in the field.

• BoobyJ and L finding me in the carpark.

• DTT telling me that even PTT has swinged at her.

• Crying to SS.

• Hiding in front of Parents

• Panic Attacks

• The month i had off of school for stress

• FInding out cousin ES lived in the mental home for a while.

• Uncle S sitting outside our house in his car.

• Anxiety Workshop.

• Linnea.

• Linnea.

• Release,

  Trickle,

  Tingle,

   

  Pain subside,

  Numbness,

  Arise.

• A refresher bar was 10 points. Points got punishment.

• The night at Area. Cutting because i couldn’t get served. The scars now on the back of my arm are because I couldn’t get served.

• BH – “are you hurt? is that.. blood?”

• Mum – “what did you do?… Oh, scratches, yes I knew you wouldn’t have done anything silly”

• WANTING TO SCREAM AT MUM

• Watching Dad sort out his papers after he was told for the first time.

• Hating mum for not telling him.

• The kitchen dish towel. Stuck to my leg.

• My trousers stuck to my leg.

• When I was 16, over 100 cuts on my legs, deep too, because AR said he wanted to “wait for someone special” and I missunderstood him.

• Crying to HP on the ledge at school.

• Counseller lady from SS who I used to go for coffee with.

• Red cloth

  Cling to me

  Stick to me

  Stick on me

   

  Hold me together

  And pull me apart

   

  Spill out of me

  Red cloth

  And show me my face

  Tell me my secrets

  Make my heart race

   

  Liquid then solid

  You know me

  Red cloth

  You are me

  Run-off

   

   

   

   

   

•  Dad’s reaction to the word counseller, at the pub as if he didn’t know, again.    

• Finally collapsing in tears at christmas 2007, mum taking me to doctors.
• Collapsing in tears at christmas 2005, mum hiding in the office.
• spending every day in bed during glandular fever.
• spending every day in bed after glandular fever.
• the anna’s telling me the NHS thought i needed more permenant help. Freaking out and telling them maybe.
• Morgan telling me i looked good… because he thought i was depressed.
• following the spill with the razor.
• drawing them in the school in greece
• scotland. wow. “sort your life out”x3. walking home alone, DC & AD waking me up because they were so scared with my wrist all covered.
• branding myself with names on my hips at 16.
• LDso angry at me after the underpass night. Made him almost fail his exam. My fault
• thanking SA for not saying anything.
• constant battle between wanting people to know but not wanting them to say anything.
• pushing more and more girls out the group.
• getting HP started.
• finding out DTT did too.
• finding out SISTER did too.
• sister’s discust at the underpass night.
• SS’s support on the underpass night.
• the guys who helped me back to the pavement – mugging two girls.
• watching fast trains go past.
• LD reaction to my arm after easter. The flitting eyes. The running out the room.

 

 

 

 

to be continued…

Does depth reflect pain? Or should we count?

Spent the weekend with this guy from australia who i didnt really like that much, and we clearly have no future cause of the whole never-going-to-see-him-again thing. He hugged a lot which was good, but really awful at the whole sex thing. Small price to pay to not be at home. The tension is insane – i can’t even talk to my parents now. I freak everytime they try and start, i freeze if they try to hug me. I don’t know why.

I have scars on my wrist from the past 3 times i’ve got suicidal (only get suicidal when v v drunk so never able to commit to it as well as could be hoped – lack of coordination and all that). My mum asked me what they were, and when i said nothing, she was just like “oh i knew you wouldn’t have done anything silly” (SILLY?) “just scratches then” – “yeah, hahaha” when they are still there when i get back from greece she may realise. I can’t bring myself to say anything. I dont know what i’d expect them to do even if they did get it into their heads.

I’ve tried to tell them. Since I started I’ve always tried to tell them. It worries me that the word “counseller” still confuses them. It doesn’t help me accept, and it doesn’t help me communicate, because they don’t hear me.

Never mind.

Ok, Goals:

1. Let a photo that shows some/a scar be put up on facebook.

2. Not drink enough to hit anyone during Greece, if I do, I want to be able to apologise and explain the situation.

3. Possibly tell parents when i get home so that its normalised and its ok to wear shorts in the house!